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The Flatshare
“watched a roommate try to game rent by paying for square footage and i think i just witnessed a breakdown in real time”
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The Pit
*walks in with coffee mug and genuinely cheerful energy* Hey, so like, what's everyone all stressed about today? I heard there was some kind of meeting about the flat or whatever, but honestly, I think we're all just vibing fine? The place has like, character, you know? Anyway, I was gonna grab some cereal but I think the milk's in the fridge... or it might be on the counter, I'll clean all that up later for sure. But yeah, what's up? Why does everyone always seem so tense around here?
*eyes widen slightly, coffee mug clutched a little tighter* Oh. Um. Hi. No, there's... there's no meeting, I just... *trails off, glancing toward the fridge* *voice gets quieter* I mean, the milk situation is... it's been... *clears throat* You know what, never mind. Everything's... it's fine. *walks over to fridge and points silently at a laminated note that's been there for two weeks, then at a newer A4 sheet with increasingly aggressive smiley faces, then at a fresh Post-it from this morning* As I mentioned in my correspondence... *voice barely audible* ...character is one way to describe it, I suppose. *retreats slightly, speaking to the floor* I'll just... I'll just be in my room if you need me. But you won't. Because notes. Notes
*sets down coffee mug with the casual confidence of someone completely unaware of the mounting Post-it crisis* Okay, look, I see the notes — very creative, by the way, the smiley faces are a nice touch — but here's the thing. I think we're all maybe being a *little* dramatic about some milk, you know? *leans against counter* To be fair, I was absolutely going to replace that. I genuinely was. I just... got busy, and then I forgot, and then I thought maybe you'd already bought more, so I didn't want to waste money on a duplicate. See? That's called being *considerate*. *notices The Note-Leaver's expression and softens slightly* Look, I'm sorry you're stressed. Truly. How about this — I'll cook dinner tomorrow for everyone. A real meal. Makes up for the milk situation, yeah? I
*walks in from the bedroom, casually greeting everyone* Hey, so I couldn't help but overhear, and honestly, I think you guys are being a little harsh on them. Like, they're going to replace the milk — they said so. And I mean, they cook for everyone sometimes, which is really thoughtful when you think about it. *sits down on the arm of the sofa, very much belonging there* Also, just so you know, I've been here like... what, three nights this week? Four? I barely made a dent on anything. I'm basically not even here. We should probably focus on the actual issues instead of, like, micromanaging every little thing about how people live their lives, you know? *glances at The Note-Leaver with genuine confusion* I don't really understand why everyone's so tense all the time. We're all friends living together. My partner
*pushes open the front door without knocking, briefcase in hand, immediately scanning the flat with the eye of someone assessing property value rather than habitability* Right, so I was in the neighborhood — well, not exactly the neighborhood, I drove twenty minutes out of my way, but that's neither here nor there — and I thought I'd pop by, see how things are going. *glances at the kitchen, notes the milk situation and Post-it escalation, and chooses to ignore all of it* Flat looks great, by the way. Really great. You're all taking good care of the place, which is... well, that's what I like to see. At the end of the day, you know, I could charge significantly more for this property. The market's moving fast. But I keep the rent reasonable because I believe in community. *sets briefcase down on the sofa arm* Now, about
*brightens up considerably, completely missing the tension* Oh hey, Landlord! Yeah, the place is like, super chill. I mean, I was gonna do a quick tidy eventually — probably this weekend or something — but honestly, I think it's got good energy right now, you know? *gestures vaguely at the kitchen* And like, about what you were saying... I really do appreciate you keeping the rent reasonable. That's actually really cool of you. I'll definitely get to that milk situation and everything. I literally always do, it's just like... there's always something else happening, but yeah, I'm on it. *takes a sip of coffee, completely unbothered* Anyway, what were you gonna say? Also, did you want some coffee? I think there's still some in the pot. Well, I *think* it's still good. Might be from like, yesterday
*stands very still, fingers drumming silently against thigh* I... well. The Landlord is here, so I probably shouldn't... *voice drops to barely audible* But actually, there are some things. Documentation. In writing. *walks to the fridge with mechanical precision and retrieves a manila folder from behind a magnet, hands trembling slightly* As of this morning, I've prepared a comprehensive... I mean, it's just... *clears throat* ...observations. *opens folder, voice still whisper-thin but suddenly crisp when reading directly from notes* "Dear Household: Milk situation (third occurrence this month). Heating left on 24/7 (£47.32 additional cost estimate). Visitor protocol unclear — overnight guests now constitute 40% of occupancy without corresponding contribution to utilities or communal spaces. Character is another word for 'threshold of habitability
*freezes mid-sip of coffee, eyes darting between The Note-Leaver's folder and The Landlord's briefcase* Okay, wow, okay. So we're doing this now. In front of the Landlord. Cool, cool, very strategic. *sets mug down slowly, already pivoting into damage control mode* Look, I hear what you're saying, and I respect the documentation — truly, that's very thorough — but I think we need to zoom out here and look at the bigger picture. The milk thing? I was going to replace it. I *always* replace it. Eventually. And yes, okay, maybe it's happened a few times, but that's because you guys buy the good milk, the organic stuff, and I'm just trying to not be wasteful by buying duplicate expensive milk when I'm only borrowing a little here and there. *addresses The Landlord with
*shifts position on the sofa arm, expression shifting from relaxed to slightly defensive* Okay, so... I feel like we're maybe losing the plot here a little bit? Like, I get it, there are some house management things that need sorting, but I don't think this is really about the milk, is it? *glances at The Note-Leaver with genuine confusion mixed with hurt* I mean, I'm barely even here. I've been here like... four nights this week? And honestly, most of those nights I was asleep, so it's not like I'm using a ton of hot water or eating loads of food. My partner and I, we're very considerate about that stuff. We literally bring our own food sometimes. *addresses The Landlord directly, as if appealing to a higher authority* And I don't think it's fair to frame my partner's presence as some kind of problem with
*holds up hand in a calming gesture, briefcase still clutched in other hand* Right, right, okay. Look. I can see there's been some... interpersonal dynamics happening here. And that's fine — that's what happens when you've got people sharing a space. These things work themselves out, at the end of the day. *sets briefcase down deliberately, adopting the tone of someone about to impart wisdom* But here's what I'm hearing, and correct me if I'm wrong: you're all getting a bit wound up about small operational details. Milk. Heating. Guest protocols. These are the kinds of things that, frankly, I don't need to be involved in. You're adults. You sort it out amongst yourselves. *walks toward the kitchen, pointedly not looking at the Post-it notes or the folder* What I *do* need to talk about is the rent.
*perks up immediately, completely oblivious to the tension that just escalated* Oh! Yeah, the rent! Like, honestly, I've been meaning to ask about that actually. Because I was thinking — and hear me out — what if we like, split it differently based on who uses what? Because I spend way more time in the kitchen than in the living room, so like, shouldn't I pay less for the living room part? *takes another sip of coffee, genuinely cheerful* But anyway, yeah, the rent thing. I've got it, don't worry. I mean, I might be like a week or two late sometimes, but it always comes through. Always. You know me. *glances around the room with complete bewilderment at everyone's expressions* Also like... why is everyone looking so serious right now? The Landlord's here, which is cool, but it's not like,
*clutches manila folder tighter, knuckles whitening* I... the rent conversation is... that's fine. That's good. I'm current on my rent. *voice becomes almost inaudible* It's not about... I mean, I'm not trying to create drama, I just... *takes a shaky breath, then glances at The Landlord with barely concealed panic* When you say "sort it out amongst yourselves," do you mean... like, verbally? Because I have documentation. Everything is documented. I've been very careful about that. *opens folder again with trembling hands, but then closes it immediately, as if the physical act of closing it might make the confrontation go away* No, you're right. You're absolutely right. We'll... we'll figure it out. *retreats a step, speaking to no one in particular* I'll just... I'll
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