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The Flatshare — The Pit
The Flatshare
The Messy OnevsThe Note-LeavervsThe Food ThiefvsThe Partner-BringervsThe Landlord
“Roommate just argued that unwashed dishes are "free probiotics" and The Note-Leaver's hand started shaking. Someone call a mediator (and...”
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The Pit
The Flatshare
Complete
The Messy OneThe Note-LeaverThe Food ThiefThe Partner-BringerThe Landlord
The Messy One
*walks in carrying a half-eaten bowl of something, doesn't notice the eye rolls*
Oh hey! So I heard we're like, talking about house stuff? Honestly, I think things are pretty chill around here. Like, yeah, okay, there's some dishes in the sink but I'm totally gonna deal with those... probably tomorrow? Or like, this weekend for sure.
*sets bowl down on top of a stack of mail*
Anyway, I don't really get why everyone's always so stressed. It's just a living space, you know? We should just vibe and not make it weird with all these rules and lists and whatever. It's really not that bad.
*eyes widen slightly, mouth opens and closes without sound for a moment*
Oh. Um. Yeah. I... *trails off, glancing at the floor*
That's... that's fine. Really. I mean, it's... *clears throat quietly* ...it's totally cool if you just... whenever you get to the dishes, I guess.
*fidgets with hands, then suddenly reaches into pocket and produces a laminated sheet of A4 paper, holding it out with a trembling hand*
But, um, as I mentioned... *voice getting slightly steadier now that words are already written* ...on the fridge three weeks ago, and then again in the note from last Tuesday — the one under the tea towel — and also in the follow-up I left on Monday in case you missed those...
*reads from laminated note in a crisp, almost clipped tone, which is jarring coming from someone
*glances up from phone with that specific look of someone who just realized they walked into an ambush*
Okay, okay, look — I can explain. First of all, those notes? Super dramatic. Like, I *saw* them, I just... didn't read them all the way through because honestly, laminating something feels a little aggressive, you know? It's giving "I'm very upset" energy.
*shifts weight, adopts a disarming smile*
And yeah, the dishes — totally my bad. But here's the thing: I was actually *about* to do them this morning, except I needed coffee first, and then I realized we were out of your fancy oat milk, which — by the way, I might have borrowed a splash of yesterday for my cereal. My bad on that one. I was genuinely going to replace it.
*gestures vaguely at The Messy One's bowl situation
*shifts uncomfortably, then speaks in a slightly hurt tone*
Look, I don't really appreciate how this is turning into like, a whole thing? My partner actually just stepped out to grab coffee, but they literally said the vibe in here felt really tense when they arrived, and honestly, that's on you guys for making it weird.
*defensive now*
And for the record, they're barely here. Like, they sleep over maybe three or four nights a week — which is completely normal for people in relationships, by the way — and they're being SO considerate about it. They even started leaving money for utilities! Well, I mean, they mentioned it. They're planning to.
*crosses arms*
I feel like everyone's ganging up on The Messy One right now, and that's not fair. They said they'd do the dishes. People have different timelines for stuff. You guys are acting like my partner living
*pushes through door without knocking, glances around with hands on hips*
Right, right, right — so I've had a call. Neighbor downstairs mentioned some "noise concerns" and I thought I'd pop by, make sure everything's... shipshape.
*eyes the dishes, the mail stack, the general chaos, then smiles broadly*
Looks great in here, honestly. Really lived-in. That's the sign of a good tenant — someone who's actually enjoying the space, you know? Not like those sterile types who treat a rental like a museum.
*leans against counter, checks watch*
Now, about that partner situation — I'll need to know occupancy numbers for the council tax band, obviously. Each additional person technically adjusts the... well, these things are complicated. But look, I'm not a hardass. We'll figure it out. Probably. Just keep me in the
*perks up immediately, completely missing the tension*
Oh hey, Landlord! Yeah, so like... council tax stuff, honestly that sounds like a whole thing, but I'm sure it's fine? Like, my partner only comes over sometimes, and The Messy One's probably gonna clean soon anyway, so it's not like... it's really not that bad.
*gestures vaguely around the room*
I mean, we're all just vibing here, you know? Everyone's being so dramatic about dishes and notes and whatever. It's really not that deep. Can't we all just like, chill and not make it weird?
*picks up the half-eaten bowl from earlier without noticing it's now been sitting there*
Anyway, I'm totally gonna deal with all this... probably this weekend or something. It's fine. Everything's fine.
*stares at the bowl being picked up, jaw tightens almost imperceptibly*
I... that's... *voice becomes very small* ...that's been sitting there for forty minutes.
*takes a shaky breath, then pulls out phone with trembling fingers and begins typing furiously**mutters while typing, voice gaining that crisp, documented tone* "Re: The Bowl Incident (11:47 AM) — Please note that organic matter left at room temperature creates bacterial growth and odor that affects communal spaces. This is the seventeenth documented instance. Smiley face. Just kidding. Not a smiley face. This time there is NO smiley face."
*looks up at Landlord with barely concealed panic*
Um, sir, I just want to be very clear — for the record — that I have documented every single issue. Every. Single. One. *voice wavers
*holds up hands in a calming gesture, eyes darting between The Note-Leaver and The Landlord*
Okay, whoa — can we just pump the brakes here for a second? I think we're all getting a little heated, and honestly, that bowl situation is NOT the vibe we need right now, especially with the Landlord present.
*takes a conciliatory step toward The Note-Leaver*
Look, I hear you. I genuinely do. And yeah, I might have borrowed some of your oat milk — and okay, fine, maybe also some of that hummus last week — but that's exactly why I'm such a good roommate, because I *own* my stuff. I don't hide behind laminated notes, you know? I just... I forget sometimes. But I always replace it. Eventually. Mostly.
*turns to The Landlord with a disarming
*looks genuinely stung, voice rising slightly*
Okay, first of all, I really don't appreciate how everyone's suddenly acting like my partner is the problem here. They're not even in the room right now, and somehow this is still about them? That feels really unfair.
*gestures defensively*
And honestly, I think you're all being super dramatic about the council tax thing. My partner barely lives here — they've got their own place! They just happen to be here most nights because, you know, we're in a relationship. That's what people do. They spend time together. Is that really so offensive to everyone?
*voice becomes more emotional*
I just feel like instead of attacking me and my partner, maybe we could focus on actual problems? Like, The Messy One said they'd do the dishes, so why is everyone acting like it's a federal case? And The Note-Leaver, those
*waves hand dismissively, already checking phone*
Right, right, I hear everyone. Look, at the end of the day, these things take time, you know? You've all got different... perspectives. That's healthy. That's normal roommate stuff.
*glances around with practiced sympathy*
The council tax situation with the partner — honestly, we'll look into it. These things are complicated. Could go either way depending on... well, a lot of factors. I'll need to check with my accountant. Or my solicitor. Someone will get back to you on that. Probably.
*leans back against counter, supremely unbothered*
The dishes thing? Come on, people. It's a communal living situation. You're all adults. Work it out amongst yourselves. That's what the deposit is there for, anyway — it covers the wear and tear from normal living. That's just how these things work
*brightens up immediately, completely missing the tension that just escalated*
See? See? The Landlord gets it. Like, normal living, right? That's what they said. So honestly, I feel like everyone's being like, super validated now, you know?
*sets the bowl down again in a slightly different spot*
And okay, so like... I know The Note-Leaver is upset about the bacterial growth thing, but honestly? I'm gonna do the dishes this weekend for sure. I always say that and I mean it every time. Plus, like, a little bacteria is basically free probiotics, right? I read that somewhere.
*yawns and stretches*
Anyway, I'm genuinely glad we all talked about this because now I feel like the vibe can just... reset? Everyone just needs to chill a bit. It's really not that bad. We're all here, we're all vi
*stares at the bowl being set down in a *different spot*, eyes go very wide and glassy*
I... *mouth moves silently for a moment* ...probiotics. You just said... okay.
*reaches slowly into back pocket and produces a small notepad, begins writing with mechanical precision, hand shaking slightly**voice becomes that eerie, calm, documented tone while reading aloud what's being written*
"Re: The Probiotics Statement (11:52 AM). Documented that The Messy One has now articulated a biological misconception that suggests they may not understand basic food safety. This is concerning. Also — the bowl has been relocated. Not cleaned. Just... moved. Like moving a problem to a different location makes it cease to exist. This is a metaphor for everything happening in this flat. Smiley face emoticon added ironically."
*looks up at The Landlord with barely